The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond by Evans Patricia

The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond by Evans Patricia

Author:Evans, Patricia [Evans, Patricia]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Adams Media
Published: 2009-12-18T05:00:00+00:00

Another difficulty may occur if the abuse has taken place primarily when no one else was around and was then denied by the abuser. Since this abuse occurs in secret, no one in the world can validate your experience. You may think you have taken everything wrong as you have so often been told you do. You may truly think there is something wrong with you because no one else was around to say “Hey! that’s abusive.” Or you may think your mate has no idea of what he’s doing.

If this is the case, it is important to remember that most crimes are committed in secret just like most verbal abuse. Just as the rapist knows what he is doing in secret, the abuser knows what he is doing in secret . He may not know what compels him. The confirmed verbal abuser can be counted on to deny the abuse vehemently and to tell his partner angrily that her perceptions are wrong or that she is responsible for the abuse.

If the abuser continues to deny the abuse, then his denial locks him into a more-or-less permanent psychological stance. The abuser who denies all, is unwilling to discuss the issue, and remains hostile does not want to change. In order to change, he would have to break though his denial, admit to the abuse, and work through the issues which left him with such a great need for dominance and Power Over.

Another real difficulty the partner may encounter is the painful realization that she is the primary and often the only person he abuses. “Why would he do this to me?” she might ask. The psychological reasons that this abuse occurs most frequently in relationships are discussed in Chapter XV and have to do with the psychological phenomena of projection.

Knowledge of the abuser’s reality brings the partner an opportunity for real growth and inner peace. She can discover through confrontation and counseling whether or not the abuser wants to change. She can cherish and accept herself and build her Reality II self-esteem. She can choose a more nourishing environment.

“My peace of mind is worth everything I went through,” said Bella.

Recognizing verbal abuse for what it is, is emotionally painful. It has to do with loss — the loss of illusion — and grieving that loss. This pain runs its course and makes room for the natural healing process. It isn’t insidious and damaging the way the pain of abuse is. As Ann put it,

I realize I kept forgetting the hurt and pain, and from what I’ve read I know I was beginning to show the symptoms of a battered wife. I’m shocked.


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