De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less by Douglas E. Noll

De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less by Douglas E. Noll

Author:Douglas E. Noll [Noll, Douglas E.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Family & Relationships, Conflict Resolution, Anger, Self-Help, Communication & Social Skills, Personal Growth, General
ISBN: 9781501176258
Google: 7KmvDgAAQBAJ
Amazon: B06ZZWDB4G
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2017-09-12T04:00:00+00:00

Listening to a Woman’s Emotions

Time to flip to the other side. In the scenarios that follow, I have created common situations that guys face with their girlfriends or wives. Usually, these situations resolve in arguments or stony silence. As you will see, by affect labeling, you may be able to turn the situation into something more positive and peaceful.

As with the first set of scenarios, you as the guy have done or said something that has triggered your girlfriend or wife. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to de-escalate her in ninety seconds or less. Problem-solving generally follows.

Your Girlfriend or Wife (G/W): “I deserve someone who gives a sh*t, and you don’t.”

You (Y): “You are angry and frustrated.”

G/W: “You never show up, never help out, and lie around all day while I work my butt off.”

Y: “You feel disrespected and unappreciated.”

G/W: “All you do is watch your stupid sports or play your games.”

Y: “You feel unsupported and unloved.”

G/W: “That’s right. And so would you if you had to put up with what I do.”

Y: “You feel alone and abandoned.”

G/W: “Yes. I do.”

The formula remains the same: ignore the words and reflect the emotions. This is probably a good point to talk about your tone of voice. Obviously, you have to sincerely want to affect label and calm down your girlfriend or wife. If you try to use affect labeling to manipulate, it may backfire on you. The tone of your voice should be appropriate to the situation. If she is yelling, you want to use an initial tone of voice that is loud, but not as loud. If you pitch your voice under hers, she begins to quiet down and become more reflective. As her volume decreases, follow her down and stay quieter than her. You are essentially matching her emotional intensity at its peak and in its decline with your pitch and volume.

G/W: “If you were a real man, you would get out and make something of yourself instead of making excuses why you are a failure.”

Y: “You are angry.”

G/W: “I’m tired of being around a failure.”

Y: “You are frustrated and sad.”

G/W: “I just wish you would back to school or get a job. I don’t want to be stuck in this dead end for the rest of my life.”

Y: “You are unhappy and anxious.”

G/W: “I’m really frustrated.”

Y: “You are really frustrated.”

This is another classic fight-brewing provocation. You can get mad and defensive, or you can de-escalate and problem-solve. It doesn’t matter whether you are a lazy, unmotivated, apathetic guy in this moment. Nor does it matter if she is completely wrong and you are an ass-kicking entrepreneur. What matters is her emotional experience and how you choose to respond to it. Insults hurt, but fighting back only makes things worse. You are better off if you ignore the words and reflect the feelings. You can talk things over once she is calm. You will never convince her out of her beliefs in this moment.

G/W: “I can’t even talk to you right now I’m so pissed.


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