Broken Bananah: Life, Love, and Sex...Without a Penis by Ross Asdourian

Broken Bananah: Life, Love, and Sex...Without a Penis by Ross Asdourian


Author:Ross Asdourian [Asdourian, Ross]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Autobiography, Biography, Humour, Non-Fiction, Personal Memoirs, Sexuality
Amazon: B07BH7H3LB
Publisher: Push Button Productions
Published: 2018-04-10T23:00:00+00:00



When it comes to injuries, people have questions. They float somewhere between “how did it happen” and “are you doing okay.” But this was no broken arm. I basically had two routes to take when fielding questions. If you come to personally visit at my apartment, I owned up to the truth. If I got a text or I randomly saw you, you got the bike accident story. For the people qualifying in the former, those usual two questions turned into an unusual five.

Q: What position were you in?

A: Doggy style. This became a question that, the more I answered it, the less it seemed the way it should’ve happened. This question, more often than not, turned into a future safety discussion. Cowgirl has already been established as the most criminal. Without the proper control, the woman can do both unspeakable good and unstoppable harm. It’s no secret that the chances of the woman orgasming increase exponentially in this position. Experts call this a high risk/high reward situation. Traditionally, a man has far more difficulty cumming when he’s just laying there. Come to think of it, I guess everyone has a tougher time finishing when just laying there. Interesting. Maybe, subconsciously, our bodies detect danger and can’t achieve maximum pleasure on high alert. Probably has something to do with blood flow.

Missionary comes in as the safest for obvious reasons. Unfortunately for a woman (sorry again, women in general), there is the risk of getting jack hammered. For reference, the jackhammer is an involuntary college move that a boy does to a girl when he sees the finish line -- and sprints. Honorary mention has to be awarded to spooking. Spooking is when a couple spoons while also having intercourse. With a nice soft cushion between the parties, it’s virtually impossible to misstep.

Q: Did it hurt?

A: It always hurts the first time. It was one of the most painful accidents of my life. I’ve fractured five bones, had three moles scooped, torn two ligaments, been in two car collisions, and been gashed in the face by a woman’s front teeth in a mosh pit that I started at a Fall Out Boy concert. None of those accidents came with an adrenaline rush like this one. After I called 9-1-1 and sat down, I experienced a crippling sensation that permeated my entire body and didn’t subside until I got that drip. So yes, it hurt.

Q: Did you finish?

A: No. No! Goodness. The recurrence of this question baffled me. The only thing that came out was blood. Gross, right? Hey, I’m just answering the question. The truth was that it took me longer to finish than the male stereotype. This was not a gift. When Missy Elliott proclaimed that she didn’t want “no one-minute man,” she left out that she also didn’t want no twenty-minute man. She probably wanted somewhere around a ten-minute man, followed by a water break, a nap, and then a movie to play in the background for another nine to ten minutes.


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